WTF

This is the screaming mantra of my life.

I think it’s about time I write some seriously horrendous poetry.

Lyric and movement

Music has become a bit of an obsession lately. I’m not sure why, but I am now constantly seeking new music and am happiest when left to my devices. I’ve even begun to organize my iTunes. STFU. I’ve created two playlists recently. They act in tandem. I am almost always listening to one or the other. Except all those other times when I am listening to my Ryan Adams Radio list or my Mazzy Star collection. One of the playlists is mostly then but also a little now. The other playlist is…well…it’s special.

everything i can’t say
(I set it to shuffle, so there’s no exact order)
1. Someone Else’s Life – Joshua Radin
2. Somewhere in Between – Lifehouse
3. Full of Grace – Sarah McLachlan
4. Witness – Sarah McLachlan
5. Into Dust – Mazzy Star
6. Love Will Tear Us Apart – Susanna and the Magical Orchestra
7. If I Am (acoustic) – Nine Days
8. I’ll Follow You Tonight – Anna Ternheim
9. A Sorta Fairytale – Tori Amos
10. Do What You Have to Do – Sarah McLachlan
11. Carry Me Ohio – Sun Kil Moon
12. Please Read the Letter – Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
13. Still Cold – Mazzy Star
14. Wonderwall – Ryan Adams
15. Twenty Two Fourteen – The Album Leaf
16. Window – The Album Leaf
17. Lover, You Should Have Come Over – Jeff Buckley
18. Time and Time Again – Counting Crows
19. Be Here Now – Ray LaMontagne

It is very Sarah McLachlan heavy, but you’ll notice that it’s all from Surfacing, which is her only album that is good from start to finish. Well, in my opinion, anyway. I’m always adding songs to this list, so I imagine it will continue to grow because I am an emo and that’s how we roll.

you make me want to stab my eyes out
(in no particular order)
1. Kiss Me – Sixpence None the Richer
2. Say It Again – Marie Digby
3. Brightly Wound – Eisley
4. Nine in the Afternoon – Panic at the Disco
5. Collide – Howie Day
6. Amazing – Josh Kelley
7. Crash Into Me – Dave Matthews Band
8. Falling – Nsync
9. Cowboy Take Me Away – Dixie Chicks
10. I’m Gonna Make You Love Me – The Jayhawks

See? GIRLY. One person is responsible for this and one person alone. I hope he comes over to my house soon so I can punish* him for making me get all wibbly about the knees.

*And by “punish”, I mean “attack with my mouth”**.
**I hope my mom never finds this.

Stalk me

I added my first section of links! Now you can stalk me in a variety of places. If I deem you too creepy, however, you might not get approved. Especially on Facebook. I am kind of “out” over there at FB. If I friend you, I will give you lots of pieces of flair and expect you to give Penny Lane, Prudence, and Juniper some love.

That is all.

Monday wonderings

I should be writing. But I’m not. Well, I am writing. I’m writing this blog post. I’m writing this blog post and watching the latest episode of Aliens in America. Today was a day of frustration. Frustration at every turn! And also a refrigerator full of something-wrapped-in-grape leaves. It looked as disgusting as it sounds.

It was cool and cloudy today and since campus is mostly deserted, I was able to sit outside on a bench without being accosted by giggling gaggles of coeds and/or hornets.

I’m a little addicted to Facebook. Not all of Facebook, just certain parts of it. I don’t ever talk to people there.

If Fergie is true to her word, then she won’t want to hang out with me because I ain’t got no money, so I have to take my broke ass home. I will not point out her double negative, which ultimately means that I actually can hang out with her. At least she taught me how to spell glamorous.

I don’t know why, but maybe this is it

During my class, when I sat down to work (not the stressful, last minute stuff) I felt connected. I felt connected to a lot of things, mostly with who I really am. It gave me strength, an odd kind of strength that I am not accustomed to. I felt like by doing this thing that is so much ME, I was taking the steps toward becoming what I needed to be, if any of that makes sense. The thing is, that’s a scary sensation. Seeing all of these things — well, not seeing so much as sensing — laid out in front of you, allowing you to see the paths and directions your life could ultimately take.

There are days like today when every single movement I make causes me to burst into tears. Quiet tears, desperate tears, the tears of realizing how alone I am, how out of control everything is. I’m not sure where to turn and I’m not sure how to push through the absolute indifference that creeps up on days like this when I think, “I bet writing would help.” Some other part of me responds, “It won’t help. Nothing ever helps. These are flights of fancy and not very good ones at that. Nothing. Helps. You should know this by now.”

Yesterday afternoon I took a nap and had a horrible, horrible dream. About an hour later, I left the house to spend time with someone and that dream hung over my head, reminding me of this god awful truth that I don’t want to accept. I came home and cried those tears, have been crying them all day long, and I feel, quite strongly, that it might be time to make a decision. I invest everything I have into my writing or I find a way to make these warring factions in my mind get along.

Unfortunately, when I pause long enough to test out my creative mind, all I hear is silence.

Virtual insanity

We can’t have a dog because of allergies and cost, so I have found a reasonable stand-in for the time being. Facebook has a puppy application, which I abuse everyday. I kept up with my original puppy so well that I recently “purchased” another.

I know, I know. I’m lame.

Meet Penny Lane!

And her new little sister, Prudence. (Don’t you just want to pet her ears all day long?)

I also have a virtual kitten (Juniper) but I prefer Penny Lane and Prudence because guess what? I’m a dog person.

It is Friday morning, and I just got paid.