Archive for May, 2008

Writerwriting: a history

May 16, 2008 at 1:53 pm · Filed under On writing, Reflection

I’m going to take a page from Faulkner and do a wacky writing history with no regard to chronology. It will then be up to you to determine the beginning, the middle, and the unknown end. I’m not sure why I feel like subjecting you to this except for the fact that exactly no one reads this blog! Plus, it’s my blog. I can say what I want.

September – December 2002
By happy coincidence, my original plans (Youth With a Mission) for that time period fell through and I was given a spot in a writing program at the same compound, since my original plans also included staying for the Spring semester of the writing program. I lived near Tyler, TX during that time and learned that I dislike east Texas with a fiery passion. Do you people have any idea what kind of bugs they have there? Satan’s bugs, that’s what kind.

If I remember correctly, our schedule went something like this: one week of lecture, one week of writing. We covered fiction, non-fiction, marketing, and screenwriting. I was most worried about screenwriting and least worried about fiction. As it turned out, the opposite ended up being true. I produced some of my best work during the screenwriting phase and some of my worst during the fiction phase. I perceived a need to stay within the confines of Christian writing. I was, after all, involved with a Christian organization.

Let me back up a little bit. When I became a full-blown church-attending-and-obeying person, I had a hard time reconciling quite a number of things in my life. One of the biggest was my writing. My arsenal of work did not glorify God, as I was told all things I produce should. And really, let’s be honest. For awhile, I was able to stop swearing. I have no idea how I did it or why I did it, but for a long time, nary a swear word passed my lips. It didn’t last and I hate to say it, but one of my favorite things is to swear. It was one of my favorite things when I was hardcore into church, too. I’m sorry, but English language allows for some very creative word combinations and I love words too much to pass up those opportunities.

But I tried to stop swearing so much in my writing. I also tried to stop my characters from fornicating like wild rabbits all over the place, and I am happy to say that they’ve stopped being porn stars, which helps immensely. I tried to stop the incessant smoking, drinking, and drug abuse. I tried to stop the violence. The result? Dry, disgusting, unreadable bullshit. Not that my stuff is particularly juicy, appealing, and readable now. But I think it is far better than it used to be. I rely on the grit of real life to slap you in the face, and when I played it safe, that grit was nowhere to be found.

Then during screenwriting, I found a little morsel of grit. It started from the seedling of a story that existed in shambles on my computer and grew into a monster in my mind. Screenwriting gave me the opportunity to approach my work from an entirely new angle. It’s hard for me to think like a camera, to include small details to describe what I see in my mind.

I don’t remember when my Joycean epiphany occurred, but I do know I was sitting in lecture and I realized that I was miserable. I did not want to spend my life writing for a Christian market. My disgust for the organization of Christianity had already begun and my inability to conform to the expectations of my instructors made me realize that God gave me a gift that I should use to my fullest potential, not to the fullest potential that I would be allowed.

Since that stint in east Texas, I haven’t accomplished much. I discovered my knack for flash fiction. I’ve completed two long stories (long = greater than 50 pages), both of which are in serious need of editing/further completion, and I’ve started another that has changed about 80 times. I have a lot to learn, a lot of room for improvement, but I’m glad that I spent three months in Texas learning what I didn’t want to do with my life.

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Lyric and movement

May 16, 2008 at 9:21 am · Filed under Little bits of nothing, Word vomit

Music has become a bit of an obsession lately. I’m not sure why, but I am now constantly seeking new music and am happiest when left to my devices. I’ve even begun to organize my iTunes. STFU. I’ve created two playlists recently. They act in tandem. I am almost always listening to one or the other. Except all those other times when I am listening to my Ryan Adams Radio list or my Mazzy Star collection. One of the playlists is mostly then but also a little now. The other playlist is…well…it’s special.

everything i can’t say
(I set it to shuffle, so there’s no exact order)
1. Someone Else’s Life – Joshua Radin
2. Somewhere in Between – Lifehouse
3. Full of Grace – Sarah McLachlan
4. Witness – Sarah McLachlan
5. Into Dust – Mazzy Star
6. Love Will Tear Us Apart – Susanna and the Magical Orchestra
7. If I Am (acoustic) – Nine Days
8. I’ll Follow You Tonight – Anna Ternheim
9. A Sorta Fairytale – Tori Amos
10. Do What You Have to Do – Sarah McLachlan
11. Carry Me Ohio – Sun Kil Moon
12. Please Read the Letter – Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
13. Still Cold – Mazzy Star
14. Wonderwall – Ryan Adams
15. Twenty Two Fourteen – The Album Leaf
16. Window – The Album Leaf
17. Lover, You Should Have Come Over – Jeff Buckley
18. Time and Time Again – Counting Crows
19. Be Here Now – Ray LaMontagne

It is very Sarah McLachlan heavy, but you’ll notice that it’s all from Surfacing, which is her only album that is good from start to finish. Well, in my opinion, anyway. I’m always adding songs to this list, so I imagine it will continue to grow because I am an emo and that’s how we roll.

you make me want to stab my eyes out
(in no particular order)
1. Kiss Me – Sixpence None the Richer
2. Say It Again – Marie Digby
3. Brightly Wound – Eisley
4. Nine in the Afternoon – Panic at the Disco
5. Collide – Howie Day
6. Amazing – Josh Kelley
7. Crash Into Me – Dave Matthews Band
8. Falling – Nsync
9. Cowboy Take Me Away – Dixie Chicks
10. I’m Gonna Make You Love Me – The Jayhawks

See? GIRLY. One person is responsible for this and one person alone. I hope he comes over to my house soon so I can punish* him for making me get all wibbly about the knees.

*And by “punish”, I mean “attack with my mouth”**.
**I hope my mom never finds this.

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I nailed it to your door

May 15, 2008 at 7:26 pm · Filed under Adulthood, Word vomit

Someone was hit by a bus and killed on campus today. I was home today, not feeling well, but I’ve been following the story with the local media because it hits way too close to home. I just read some comments on the story at one news site and am disgusted. As usual, people are placing blame on this girl for not using a crosswalk and they are speculating that she was wearing headphones, which would have prevented her from hearing the bus approach.

Let me tell you that you can cross a street legally with no headphones on and still die.

I stopped reading the comments, naturally, but I can’t help but wonder. Was E’s death covered by the local media? What did people say? Did they blame him for stepping out into the crosswalk? Did they blame the bus driver? About a week after the funeral, I was talking to my dad about it and he said his first reaction was, “He was probably doing something stupid like riding his bike at night in black clothes.” Because that’s the kind of stupid shit E did from time to time. But he did everything right. This girl might not have. She might not have looked. The bus driver might have looked away for a split second. None of it matters, really, because someone is dead and her family is grieving.

It’s raining right now. My heart and mind are unsettled.

I’m alone.

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How to totally not impress me at all

May 14, 2008 at 4:16 pm · Filed under Adulthood

Catcalling.

Boys, it’s not cute. It’s not flattering. It does not make [a lot of] us swoon or appreciative or feel good about ourselves. In fact, it makes [a lot of] us feel cheap and much like we exist solely for your viewing pleasure.

If you know me at all, or care to get to know me at all, you will find that I am much more useful in other areas: humor, loyalty, trustworthiness, adorability when sleepy, baking of cookies, intelligence, wit, kissing, other things that come from kissing, and creativity. Yes, I am beautiful and fabulous, but I am also a nerd with a lot of awesome qualities that you simply cannot appreciate just by looking at me.

So the next time you see me walking along, minding my own business, please do not yell loud enough for everyone to hear that you like my tits and/or my ass and/or the way I walk. I deserve to be treated better than that and you are only making yourself look like a complete fucking joke.

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Stalk me

May 12, 2008 at 9:55 pm · Filed under Little bits of nothing, Word vomit

I added my first section of links! Now you can stalk me in a variety of places. If I deem you too creepy, however, you might not get approved. Especially on Facebook. I am kind of “out” over there at FB. If I friend you, I will give you lots of pieces of flair and expect you to give Penny Lane, Prudence, and Juniper some love.

That is all.

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Monday wonderings

May 12, 2008 at 7:58 pm · Filed under Little bits of nothing

I should be writing. But I’m not. Well, I am writing. I’m writing this blog post. I’m writing this blog post and watching the latest episode of Aliens in America. Today was a day of frustration. Frustration at every turn! And also a refrigerator full of something-wrapped-in-grape leaves. It looked as disgusting as it sounds.

It was cool and cloudy today and since campus is mostly deserted, I was able to sit outside on a bench without being accosted by giggling gaggles of coeds and/or hornets.

I’m a little addicted to Facebook. Not all of Facebook, just certain parts of it. I don’t ever talk to people there.

If Fergie is true to her word, then she won’t want to hang out with me because I ain’t got no money, so I have to take my broke ass home. I will not point out her double negative, which ultimately means that I actually can hang out with her. At least she taught me how to spell glamorous.

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I don’t know why, but maybe this is it

May 11, 2008 at 9:24 pm · Filed under Adulthood, Little bits of nothing, Reflection, Word vomit

During my class, when I sat down to work (not the stressful, last minute stuff) I felt connected. I felt connected to a lot of things, mostly with who I really am. It gave me strength, an odd kind of strength that I am not accustomed to. I felt like by doing this thing that is so much ME, I was taking the steps toward becoming what I needed to be, if any of that makes sense. The thing is, that’s a scary sensation. Seeing all of these things — well, not seeing so much as sensing — laid out in front of you, allowing you to see the paths and directions your life could ultimately take.

There are days like today when every single movement I make causes me to burst into tears. Quiet tears, desperate tears, the tears of realizing how alone I am, how out of control everything is. I’m not sure where to turn and I’m not sure how to push through the absolute indifference that creeps up on days like this when I think, “I bet writing would help.” Some other part of me responds, “It won’t help. Nothing ever helps. These are flights of fancy and not very good ones at that. Nothing. Helps. You should know this by now.”

Yesterday afternoon I took a nap and had a horrible, horrible dream. About an hour later, I left the house to spend time with someone and that dream hung over my head, reminding me of this god awful truth that I don’t want to accept. I came home and cried those tears, have been crying them all day long, and I feel, quite strongly, that it might be time to make a decision. I invest everything I have into my writing or I find a way to make these warring factions in my mind get along.

Unfortunately, when I pause long enough to test out my creative mind, all I hear is silence.

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Virtual insanity

May 9, 2008 at 12:24 pm · Filed under Little bits of nothing

We can’t have a dog because of allergies and cost, so I have found a reasonable stand-in for the time being. Facebook has a puppy application, which I abuse everyday. I kept up with my original puppy so well that I recently “purchased” another.

I know, I know. I’m lame.

Meet Penny Lane!

And her new little sister, Prudence. (Don’t you just want to pet her ears all day long?)

I also have a virtual kitten (Juniper) but I prefer Penny Lane and Prudence because guess what? I’m a dog person.

It is Friday morning, and I just got paid.

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Take cover, but first, tell us about it

May 8, 2008 at 11:33 pm · Filed under Comedy

Our local television station is currently scrolling a notice about the tornado watch we’re now under. Before the sign off, it reads, “Please report any tornado activity to your local law enforcement agency.” Like the tornado is driving through your neighborhood all slow in its windowless kidnapper van, plotting to steal your children from their beds. I’m going to call the neighborhood watch and tell them to be on the lookout for suspicious tornadoes.

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Graduation day

May 8, 2008 at 10:05 pm · Filed under Adulthood, Reflection

It’s graduation season in these parts. Email notices are being sent out about parking this weekend and every day this week, on my lunch break, I have seen at least one person parading around either carrying his/her Carolina blue gown or wearing it. It makes me reflect on my own graduation in a way to which I am still adjusting. As I crept into my late 20s and eventually reached 30, I discovered a new way to reflect on my past. I began to see my younger self in very defined roles: high school student, college student, best friend, fiancee, terrified adult, etc., etc. But there are also two very large, very encompassing swaths of time involved: Before X and After X. I’ve yet to determine a name for that chunk of time between Before and After.

But I digress. Sort of.

I am a proud December graduate, year 2000. 2000 was a big year for me in many, many ways. That was the year I became un-engaged, got a second job, started an internship on top of it, spent a night in Dallas that I will never forget, told someone the truth about the nature of my relationship, met the other half of my heart, discovered my soul mate, decided to move to California, spent the entire fall semester sick, went crazy, and graduated from college. Being around all of these graduates, especially with the year our university has had – namely the murder of Eve Carson – makes me wonder what they have suffered in this, their last year of college.

Back then, I spent those days trying to find a way out. I was too scared for drugs, so I started drinking, and by that, I meant I had two beers every four months instead of none ever. School was difficult, my life at home was difficult, and I succeeded in alienating everyone I cared about. Depression, I learned, has some very unattractive side effects. When graduation came and went, I was relieved to be done with the demands of school but little else changed. I was still depressed, still fighting demons, still not sleeping, still having nightmares.

Without a past, we would have no future. I keep thinking back to graduation and wondering how I would’ve reacted had I known where I would end up. Back then, I never imagined that things could be what they are today; all the mysteries of my past have jumbled together and come out as this, my current life. I both love and hate it. I long to change my past and know that I cannot, as it would change my present and I wouldn’t give that for the world.

When I think about graduation now (theirs, not mine), I feel nothing but blind panic. How can they face so much uncertainty with so much enthusiasm? Because many of them don’t understand or recognize the uncertainty, nor should they. They are young, full of life and promise and possibility and hope, much like I was then. Their futures are uncertain, like mine and yours, and for the moment, many of them still have that blush of innocence that disappears as life happens to you.

Earlier this week, I had coffee with a good friend who just finished college. His post-undergraduate life is starting with a bang. He has landed an impressive job; he’s incredibly intelligent and will go far. I tried to explain to him the moment when I realized that childhood as I knew it was over. There was no more innocence, no more not knowing deep and unending pain. There was only life, with only the option to live it.

I keep thinking back on my graduation, noting the places where my life has not changed at all, and highlighting all the places where I am unrecognizable from that shy, angry girl from Oklahoma. That, I think, is the best thing about growing up.

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